Sunday, April 30, 2006

Dreams ...

I don’t sleep well, in this bed or any other for that matter, but now that I find myself far from home sleep is cruelly brief and so crowded with dreams that when I wake I am exhausted. It is that final dream of a sleepless night that stays with me into the new day, like the scent of stale smoke on my clothes after a late night in a small café.

This morning it was a dream of growing old. My son was in the dream, grown tall and rangy with a moppy head of dark blonde hair. By most measures I am old to be a new father, I knew this going in but the implications have become clearer as time moves on and I grow weaker as he grows stronger. In this morning’s dream we were together, walking and talking, and he was helping me with something, a task of some kind, the exact nature of which was lost in the fog of waking. He looked to be about twelve years old, tall for his age, but not yet a young man, still a boy. I did not see myself in this dream but I had an idea of who I was, or more precisely, what I had become and it was then that I awoke.

As the sun rises this morning, I am three thousand miles and five time zones away from my son. I am fortunate to feel these things, to dream of those I love and wish for more time together with them. Our separation clarifies what is vital in my life, but it doesn’t make it easier to do anything about it, and at this moment there is nothing I want more than to be home.

6 Comments:

Blogger Sharon said...

I love that - 'separation clarifies what is vital'. How true that is! My husband and I spent so much time apart when he was in the Navy (20 year career man), but each reunion was so joyful, so wonderful... It has made our marriage stronger and we certainly never take for granted the time we have together. We celebrated 41 years of marriage last month!

5:16 PM  
Blogger Signora B. said...

....and at this moment I want nothing more then to be home .
I love that and it shows that your home IS, where your heart is.
I hope time goes by fast ,so you can be home soon.

6:47 PM  
Blogger Cathy said...

Separation can be a positive thing in that it clarifies our priorities and allows us to dream such things and think things out more clearly. I've been there. When you return home to him, your time together will be even more special that it was before.

Keep on hanging in there. In the meantime, enjoy your work and your time to yourself. That's o.k. too. xo

1:34 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

I'm smiling at your use of the word "home".

9:57 PM  
Blogger Expat Traveler said...

do you still not know when you willl be back?

12:11 AM  
Blogger Britt/Melinda said...

I'm so glad I stumbled upon your blog. It's great to read about your thoughts and adventures with HH in my old stomping grounds.

My wife and I left Cologne last November and moved back home to Phoenix. We miss all the little things that make life in Germany so wonderful.

When I think back to our time there it sometimes doesn't seem real. As if it only happened in a dream.

Good luck to you and yours.

12:32 AM  

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